Untitled

The more I sit alone in a room the more I begin to hate myself.

I hear some pretty intense shit at my job. It’s usually something that convinces me love isn’t real or makes me cry or just flat out blows my mind. Today my client told me she was raped. My heart instantly melted and I wanted to hug her but I don’t really like touching people but I’m sure if she asked for a hug I’d take one for the team and hug the shit out of her. I didn’t tell her my story, I didn’t find it appropriate, but the fact she could share it with me made me feel like she not only respected me as a professional, but she trusted me as a person in her life. Sometimes it’s a good reality check when I’m feeling sorry for myself to remember life sucks for everyone and mine could always be worse. I think today ill hold off only complaints.

Just when I didn’t think I could hold anymore resentment, I discovered what sleeping alone felt like. This is enough to make one commit suicide. So now I’m not only working in a bar that I despise, I come home to sleep alone. What the fuck else could go wrong in my already pathetic life?!

If someone were to get bored enough and take the time to do the survey I bet most suicides are recovering addicts. Lets face it, living in a world without drugs is the worst.

I blame the egg donor for weird attachment issues. Three female friends told me all in one day that they’re moving away. I don’t know how I’m supposed to balance out my life right now. A good female is hard to find so when I find one worthy of friendship I latch onto them for dear life. I make a lot of crazy cat lady jokes, but dear god please don’t let me be that person when I get left behind.

Quit depending on your friends and family to get you through your hardships. Quit looking for a higher power to give your problems to. You are the only higher power you need. Stop looking to your left and your right. You are all you need to get through today.

I just don’t have any fucking faith in you and have no way to put it lightly. I know, I know.

I ran and I ran and I ran. You found me exhausted. You made me feel safe. You convinced me I was safe. Stupid self should have kept running. Now I’m just exhausted and alone…..without a drink.

Today was a big day. I woke up, I cooked myself breakfast, I watched Roseanne, I had my heart broken a little bit more than I thought possible, and then I finally decided to stop avoiding the inevitable and sit down on the computer.  I found myself someone worthy of hearing me speak of my problems.  I don’t really think I’ve ever found someone worthy of that because I have absolutely no faith in most humans to be able to listen or have enough knowledge to understand.  For a lack of better words, I hate humanity and think we’re all incompetent idiots.  I haven’t really felt the rush of relief yet, because all I did was punch some numbers in and leave a voicemail.  We’ll see if she finds me worthy of counseling, or if she finds my insurance worthy of accepting is what I should be saying.